"Mind trek...My story and someone else's..."

Mothers probably do not think that while they are resting in their rooms after a long day of work or play that their young boy child is entering into exotic territories like that of same sex fore play in the living room with his best friend. In fact, the thoughts of any child undergoing sexual exploration, especially if he or seemingly enjoys it, are difficult for some to consider. When I reflect back on that moment and attempt to relive the experience, I remember the absence of my parents in that very scary but excitable minute of intense bliss. Parental absence in a time of vast experimentation is the substance of the volatile adolescent period. In the dearth of moral boundaries and ambiguities lies a place where experience of the “taboo” is alluring. The thoughts that race across the mind of the young boy while he is sitting in class behind his chiseled desk become the markers in which he chases or becomes that in which pursues him. In the secret of the bathroom he lives out the thoughts about his male teacher and his attractive best friend who is the ideal masculine archetype. While struggling through his multiplication tables and grammatical rules at his kitchen table after school, his mind returns to scenes that replay over and over again like a television switched between stations airing GI Joe and Glow. The boy wrestles with the social cues that remind him that boys do not wear pink, boys do not jump rope, boys do not dare touch a doll, boys do not entertain gossip, boys do not talk with a “twang”, boys do not walk with a “swang”, and boys do not because boys simply can not but girls can. In the absence of the parent the boy child lunges into a process of self-discovery that can be described as complicated.

In the confines of the mind, the young boy experiences both the comfortability and the troublesome atmosphere in which he takes flight. It is much safer for him to play make believe as he fantasizes about that special someone, another boy, taking an interest in him, than it is to share his desire with anyone else. The young questioning boy becomes an experienced dreamer. He maintains the ability to cross into fiction from the world of reality at any given time. He masters the art of living through fantasy. In the quiet of his mind he beckons to life that which he desires. Yet, his mind is never truly free of perplexity. He constantly poses the question, “Why?” He longs for God to enlighten him about his difference but God seems to always remain silent. He is sent on a journey to discover the answer, to listen to God offer a response, but he will learn that seekers of truth must walk through a barrage of uncertainty. While he attempts to summon the intense sensation that would result from being held or liked by another boy he runs into a wall of inner angst that has been scribbled with inscriptions that read, “What will your family think about you if they find out that you were a faggot?”, “You are a disgrace and a poor representation of your mother’s son!”, and “There is a special place prepared in hell for people like you!”. This wall represents terror and forces him to constantly run in the opposite direction. For a while, he will not garner the strength necessary to tear it down and move forward. He may never be strong enough to stand before the wall forthright, with a sledge hammer in hand, prepared to remove the barrier that stands between him and freedom. But he will revisit that wall many times perpetually looking forward to the day when it will exist no more.

The ways of the world are puzzling to the questioning boy. He looks at the world through the eyes of a contemplative who remains reflective and who at all times dreams of a world where he can exist without shame and burden. He envisions himself undergoing a metamorphous transforming from a ghastly caterpillar, one that the world despises, and into a vibrant butterfly that arrests the attention of all. The life of a sexually ambivalent boy is full of individuals who are socialized to betray and hurt him, especially if he has a proclivity towards “femininity”. As his friends mature in age they will come to learn that his “peculiar” ways and his “weird” taste are too embarrassing for them. His mother and father will challenge him to “be a man” and to “get rid of his sissy ways”. His male classmates will create “funny” names for him and pick him last to join their teams during their gym period. And strangers on the street will pass by and he, because of his inner anxiety and budding fearfulness, will assume that they are armed with an x-ray vision called “gay-dar” that can see directly to the core of his sexual identity and fascination. Because of this, he becomes a master of wearing a mask.

On any given day in the life of the young boy who sets out in search of his bemused sexual identity, he may find that gloom is the best adjective that can be used to describe his mood than that of happiness. A sunny day, even with its’ effervescent rays of light kissing the earth, will appear to be full of clouds as the young boy basks in sorrow while sitting in his room. He imagines life to be a continuous event of unfortunate circumstance in which he will embark upon marked as “different” and, therefore, inferior to his heterosexual counterparts. He imagines the days which lie ahead when dad will ask, “So what lucky female are you escorting to your dance?” He foresees the moment when all of the boys will list the names of all the baroque girls with whom they share some fascination and he will be left to describe his “best friend”, who happens to be a girl that he also finds attractive, but will be forced to leave out that his true secret interest in one of the cool boys in the group. His early days will be full of daunting deliberation, but he will learn that most of the fearful thoughts will be lived out day to day in the refuge of

In the solemn darkness of the young boy’s mind, he will be visited with dreadful thoughts of apprehension concerning his very existence. On many occasions the thought of death will seem to be more appealing to him than living a life that is accustomed to hatred and self-loathing. The tragic irony that is weaved throughout the pages of this young boy’s life is the fact that the deeds and remarks of others will eventually serve as the medium through which he will gain inner strength; yet, during his formative “pre-out” years he will often find himself enslaved to the thoughts of others. Thus, in his life others will serve as both the source of his motivation and angst. In the stillness of the night, the young boy contemplates ending his short life. He considers exiting a world where others are not that kind. Moreover, he still ruminates over his “difference” and ponders the easiest route to tranquility.

For many, the preceding paragraphs may appear to be nothing more than overly sexualized perversion and immoral liberal gab that stands as a witness to the erosion of the moral fabric of our conservative nation. While others will read this musing with distrust for a written expression of an experience that is beyond their scope of reasoning or familiarity. And there will be a few who will succumb to the sentiment of human conditionality, brokenness, that is present at the core of this lived-in reflection and see the homosexual male through the eyes of one who has been enlightened through a vicarious experience. Yet, there is one, or two, who will feel and re-experience afresh the inner feelings and thoughts that once saturated their beings as they peruse the pages of this writing. As they read, a tear will fall from the corner of their eyes and it will begin to blur the words on the page so that they will appear to be no more than an abstract combination of life’s intense moments to be shared with others as they pass through the rigorous corridor of life. Regardless of the response, the story must be told from the point of the view of those living their lives or struggling to live their lives as confirmed homosexual or bisexual males (and females) day to day. One must walk in the shoes and path of another to begin to understand, without judgment, another.